Our son Ethan will always be loved and remembered as our warrior child.
Just like his brother, mommy and daddy are warriors.
What is like to lose my baby Ethan
I am 1 in 4. I didn’t know there were so many women who lose a baby in their womb. I have spoken to so many women, who after knowing what happened to me, reached out and opened up about having abortions or stillbirths, not to add to my pain but for my pain to be distributed among the many. I heard a few say it took them years to process the pain of losing their baby, the trauma, some didn’t get to see them and have regrets. I would hear them out and tell them I never wanted for my child or what his life meant to be seen as a loss just because he is not here. I can cry because he is no longer with me, but I can’t help but to see Ethan as a victory in my life. I will say that again because it’s one of the first things that came out of my mouth after finding out his heart was no longer beating. I have victory and I will explain it just as it happened.
One of the first calls I made on my way to the hospital was to Marcia, my old Christian leader back in Virginia. When I called her and her husband Jose, Youth Pastor, I told them what was happening and I remember them telling me so many comforting things. My response to them was that I did not feel that I had lost or that I felt defeated, but instead for an extraordinary reason, felt victory. Victory because I was thankful to God I had been able to have a beautiful and healthy pregnancy, I was given the opportunity to conceive and bear a child successfully for 9 months, all to which I am extremely thankful for. I know I don’t have all the answers as to why his heart stopped beating, there is no medical explanation, nothing came up on the autopsy out of the normal and I accept that. I have learned I do not need to know all the answers to trust God and know His will is always good and perfect.
As a believer in Jesus, I know that we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us (Romans 8). Today is Good Friday, two thousand years ago Jesus was crucified. Today Ethan would have been two months old, and for the past two thousand years, we still celebrate death being conquered. We don’t celebrate defeat or loss, we celebrate life, hence why I also never felt defeated. This Sunday we celebrate Easter, Resurrection Day. We no longer see Jesus physically, but he conquered death because He resurrected and He lives, in each one of us (who chooses to believe), He lives and without a doubt He reigns. God’s hands were in every step of the birthing of Ethan, more than I have ever felt His presence in my life. I am still a woman who has lost a child, and yet I still think of how God also knows what that is like and does not want any of us, his children to be lost. He gave us His only son so that anyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. That came for a price, a price that could only be paid on a cross, where Jesus chose to give his beautiful life to take all of our sins so that we can have the most beautiful and exciting relationship with God. I valued this truth before, and I value it more now that I have felt the pain of losing a child. He did it because He loves us, that’s why he says that now “we are more than conquerors”, it all happens “through Him that loved us.”
Can we praise God in the storm?
Yes, we can. It’s invigorating to write this without tears because pain is real, and to praise Him in the storm means that you will stand above the storm to praise. Regardless of your loss, whether you have had a loss during your first weeks of pregnancy, a stillbirth when you were almost due or as you are giving birth, and even days later, it is all very painful, and you can still praise! But as we are here now, this has happened and we are looking for ways to breathe again but the pain is too real, how do I begin to heal a broken heart, to get up each day trying to comprehend what to do after you had prepared mentally and physically for something that all of a sudden you no longer have.
God works all things together for our good. He had a plan, prepared my heart one way or another for years for what I was going to go through with Ethan. I hope you find inspiration on how God can also speak to you, even in the storm and can prepare you to bring you out of what you may be going through right now.
I love music and love even more finding out what inspires musicians to write lyrics. A few years ago my favorite band, Jesus Culture, wrote a song called “Miracles.” The lead singer, Chris Quilala, had the same thing happen to him and his wife with a stillbirth, you can see the full story on the link below. I always admired how even after praying for a miracle and not seeing it, they still proclaimed that God is a God of miracles. If you have heard this song before but didn’t know their story, I invite you to hear it because it will have a different meaning.
About a year ago, my husband and I learned that our wedding photography mentor, Kaitlyn James, had a stillbirth and had documented everything and shared it on social media. We were impressed and inspired how she overcame the loss of her son and was able to share it, just as she did about the weddings and projects she photographed. About two weeks ago, on a monthly call that all her students had with her, we were able to raise our hand and not talk about photography. Instead, my husband and I got to share a bit of our story, how we thought of her on the way to the hospital, the decision to photograph the entire process because of what we had learned about her and also write about Ethan while sharing photos of him, because we believe that our child had a beautiful and meaningful reason to make an impact in our lives. Tears began to come down from Kaitlyn and I felt again what she and so many other moms have felt when they lose a baby, but she then said something so powerful; she thanked us because she believes that through her son’s story, his legacy continues and God is to be glorified. I smiled, and we totally agreed, I couldn’t look at Brian because he was crying and I was trying to keep myself together. It was a moment we will never forget as we look up to this amazing mentor, for the woman she is, her passion for the Lord, her professional work and love for her family. You can read about her blog on baby James’ birth story here. We love our “sister Kaitlyn” as Brian and I call her when we talk about her.
Last, as we reflect on all the things we did at the hospital and after when we came home until now, we can answer the question above with a “yes, we can praise God through this storm.” Our journey is no different than yours, our pain is the same as yours, we choose to surrender to God our pain, ask to give us strength and choose to praise Him above the storm. Guess what, He gives us the strength each time to carry through. Storms pass, and this shall pass too, but you have to have that in mind, if not, read this again, and make it a reality in your life, although you may not see it today, or at this moment, you will soon. This storm shall pass and we will continue to praise. I can always say that God is good and faithful, although my heart may be torn, but God does not change, he is always God His will will always be done. He is whispering to you and to me right now, “I freely give Danie, and I freely take away, I am still the same God, I am with you” So what can I do? “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121) I’ll praise You in the storm!
What I now understand about death
In the weeks to follow the death of Ethan, I have found so many resources that I would like to share with you. Miraculously the Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast just launched on March 8, 2022 a series on What Nobody Talks About: What It’s Like to Lose a Baby, and I quote from their transcript, link inserted below:
Wendy Blight:The prophet Isaiah says in Isaiah 57:1 and 2, “The righteous parish, and no one takes it to heart, the devout are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared evil.” Those who walk uprightly enter into peace and find rest as they lie in death.” Well, that’s complicated for me to understand. So sometimes as a Bible teacher, I’ll go to what are called commentaries. And those are people that are lots more brilliant than I am, and then you are, but they help bring things down to be more understandable. When I read this from Matthew Henry, who is a super old theologian that I love, he says that they are taken away, the scripture says in compassion. That they may not see the evil nor share in it nor be tempted by it. In other words, in God’s compassion and wisdom, sometimes he is going to allow an early death to protect his child from something that none of us can see, none of us can know, but God knows because He is omniscient and He knows everything. And the comfort we can take is that when that child or that person, we love whatever age they are, they enter into God’s everlasting arms and are in complete joy, peace and rest. Now, is it still hard? Yes. … But I think the beauty in that truth is once again, God is sovereign and in control of everything. We’ve got to be in the Word to come and know His character and love so we can trust where we’ve landed.
Five stages of Grief. I didn’t fully learn about each stage until the death of Ethan. My pastor shared with me this YouTube podcast in Spanish “Let’s overcome this loss together” by Christy Muller and her mother who is a pastor and clinical thanatology doctor. Listening thoroughly to this podcast and reflecting on each stage brought to my life so much light and understanding that I was able to identify when I had gone through these stages with Ethan and also when my parents got a divorce years ago. I was in a dark place for months when my parents divorced and learned that Jesus was the only one that could give me comfort each time as I felt I was in that deserted place. I had learned in that instance that I never wanted to be in that place again, and I am thankful because with the loss of Ethan, I did not feel depression come over my life. It is always a good idea to identify these if you are currently going through a loss, reach out to get professional help so you can go through grief in a positive way.
Music to my ears. Surround yourself with music that helps with the healing process, which also means shedding tears when necessary.
If you feel that believing is hard and maybe God has failed, this song will remind you that it is all well and that God did not fail: The Story I’ll Tell – Naomi Raine and Maverick City Music.
Anyone who has lost a loved one, can identify themselves with this song to bring peace to your aching heart and throbbing pain. This song was written by our pastor’s son, his name is David, and after losing his brother to Covid a year and a half ago, wrote this song that to be honest, heard about 30 times. It is in Spanish and it is called Un Lugar Mejor – David Sound and Camil Cordoba
Time continues to pass. Two weeks after everything happened, we had a Quinceañera and it felt so good to do something different, to go back to the routine before it all came down. I felt very special when the lovely quinceañera was distributing flowers with promises, mine was from Romans 8: 31”What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”
Also, the song the quinceañera with her court danced to in a choreography was “Thy Will – Hillary Scott & The Scott Family” I had heard this song many years ago and knew that it was a song written after the singer had lost her baby and had a very difficult time recovering. I shed a few tears, especially because right before that I realized I was surrounded by so many newborns at that party, and felt I was the only one without my son because he had died. It was not a good feeling, but I soon realized that those thoughts were not healthy and that my identity is to be loving and receive love, that just because it happened once, that I was still a mother, because I carried life in me.
What I can recommend and tell myself each time when thoughts like that come to my head is identify them as foreign and not from who you really are and who God tells you that you are. Have faith that those thoughts will decrease as you identify them as not healthy thoughts, I pray to God to allow me to identify them and not believe things that are not true, especially as I was afraid of getting the baby blues and postpartum depression.
My Loved Ones
Healing for Me
I have to start with me and my mental health. My son’s death is not a secret and it shouldn’t be for any parents going through this. I don’t want to be known only for what I have on earth that can be seen and earthly achievements I possess. Processing my loss through writing this blog keeps his purpose alive. Speaking to others about everything that happened at the hospital and seeing God’s sovereign hand through the day and a half I was there brings healing to my heart. The 18 hours I got to hold, clothe, sleep by my side, kiss, whisper to his ear, sing to him, pray over him, stare at him, all of him, take so many pictures, it is all priceless. I hold all those details close to my heart. I have found new strength that God has given me, more purpose and power when speaking to those who have lost a son or daughter. I found a new identity as a daughter of God, a stronger woman who is here on earth to make an eternal impact.
From the moment we found out it was a boy, I began asking God to help me understand what my son’s purpose was so I could pray to Him intentionally. Then the verses from Psalms 127:3-5 became our prayer: Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.” I said to myself, my son is like an arrow, a warrior for the kingdom. Ever since I was a Christian I said that if God blessed me with children, I would raise them to love God like I do, to never doubt and always trust His ways, it is my cover letter, what identifies me and how I want people to see me. A few weeks after Ethan passed, I was downstairs looking at his picture, holding the molds of his feet and praying to God, I began reading his word and as I read Isaiah 49, it was as if Ethan was reading this to me:
Before I was born the Lord called me;
from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name.
He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver.
As I cry now reading this again, I find peace, contentment and can rest knowing the Lord called my beautiful Ethan Alexis to be in his quiver, you are in his hands my precious son. I can also hear this song and sing it to you over and over again knowing that Jesus holds you now: “Scars in Heaven – Casting Crowns”
My husband
He has gone through the loss of loved ones before and understands the stages, has been able to process and speak to me about various stages we were in and how it is normal to feel the way we do. My heart hurt so much more that he had to go through loss again and his heart hurt to see me cry. We have learned and lived a biblical truth from 1 Corinthians 13:5 about love “ … it does not seek its own interests” as we each care for the other’s interests more than our own. He has encouraged me to write this, to open our hearts to you and share with you photos of our precious boy.
He went along with all my maternity photo requests and was super patient with the various ideas I had as we waited for his arrival, all while we were working on upcoming photography events and putting together the nursery.
I always wanted a Pandora bracelet with the gorgeous charms before I birthed Ethan, so for Valentine’s Day, a day before Ethan was born, Brian gifted me a Pandora charm engraved on one side with Matthew’s name and on the other with Ethan’s name. This is one of the most special things I carry with me and thank him for always being so thoughtful (with my mother-in-law’s help, wink wink!)
The loss of “Cookie” for our son Matthew
Cookie was the nickname our five-year-old son Matthew gave baby Ethan from the start. Our silly boy would often touch my belly and say his name is Cookie and not Ethan. Brian and I for our photography business had planned to start introducing on blogs and social media things about our family with “Cookie” being featured first. When we were driving back home from the hospital, we decided we still wanted to write about Cookie, but first, Brain and I had to face our fear of telling our son why his baby brother was not coming home. It was the hardest thing to do and we were so nervous that we actually had to ask Heidi, his aunt, to pick him up and have him spend the night with her because we were mentally exhausted from crying so much at the hospital and needed to be well rested before facing him.
Next day he came home from school and my army of warriors was arriving as we needed everyone close to him to hear the same thing, so if any questions came up, we all had the same responses and would not confuse our boy. Aunt Heidi prepared him that night before by casually telling him how the body works and functions, he understood that you needed your heart to be beating in order for you to be alive. Brian sat him down, showed a video about tears and how it is okay to have tears. He then reminded Matthew that we went to the hospital because I was having the baby but the baby’s heart stopped beating and asked him, “do you know what happens when your heart doesn’t beat?” he responded “yes, you die and go to heaven,” and that was that!
We proceeded to show him a photo frame of Ethan’s hand and foot print along with a photo of him. We also had another photo of mom and dad holding baby Ethan which is in his room. Matthew’s other aunt, Yachi, brought a box with presents which we told him was a gift from his brother that had a t-shirt that said “Best Brother in the Universe” along with some toys. Matthew, like all boys his age who go through a loss, grieve with the loss of a loved one in a different way. He is trying to understand how his brother was transferred from the hospital to heaven.
A few days later Matthew asked me to hold his hand and pray with him (this was the first time he had asked me to pray with him), and my heart all of a sudden shrunk so small, and I looked at him and said yes and asked him what did he want for us to pray about. He said he wanted to ask God to bring down his brother from heaven to the ground. I thought he meant Earth and tried to correct him, and he said “no mom, I want Ethan to be here on the floor, like here in my house.” I took a deep breath and told him that was not possible but that we could ask God to fill our home with other brothers and sisters. He opened his eyes and waved his finger at me saying “oh no, no, no mom! Only boys!” I cracked up and told him that Auntie Gaby and I are sisters to Uncle Kanco and he loves us so, so much, but I don’t think that made a difference in his mind, we prayed and he was thankful that we did.
My boy Matthew is a blessing in my life. I came to his life when he was 3 and although many say that I have taught him so much, he actually teaches me more each day than what I can teach him, we are continuing to be by him through this and studying his behaviors to make sure he is doing well. He asks sometimes if another baby is in my belly, I tell him that I still have a big belly from when I had his younger bro and he just laughs and pokes it.
Our family and friends A.K.A. My Army of Warriors
There’s so much to share and thank them for, everyone should have an army of warriors!
My sister Gaby, who by the way is an amazing artist and calligrapher, did an amazing mural in Ethan’s room, held me when I was giving birth and stayed with me over a week after everything happened and she has her hands full with my three nephews and homeschooling. She did my second and biggest babyshower in VA which was so beautiful and thought out. I will forever be grateful.
My mom held my hand when she could, suffered probably more than I ever did, cooked for me dishes from back home as my baby was growing. My mother-in-law stayed with our son Matthew while we waited for the birth of Ethan and then on to the hospital. She also went through a loss before having Brian, so she and I share similar stories now more than before, I can now feel the pain of what so many mamas who have lost their baby feel.
Heidi taught Brian and I so much on breathing, pain being good and birthing. She was with us during the delivery of Ethan, singing to me and my gorgeous baby boy, holding my hand, crying with me and making informed decisions as we had previously discussed. She understood when I was asked if I wanted to get molds of Ethan’s feet, it is one of my favorite memories from my son!
Our dads and brothers – you couldn’t be there but we know you felt all the pain and sorrow, we hold you in our hearts, and though you may not say much and cannot understand, we pray God also shows you as He has shown us that His plans are always good.
My immediate group “The Legendaries” in Raleigh who were with me praying, before and after the birth, were always at the hospital with us and remain with us.
Adriana, you couldn’t be in the hospital because you are so young, but in my heart you were, thank you for that beautiful letter you wrote for our dear baby Ethan.
Our pastors who have been with us closely, have also lost children and know what we feel, cried as if it were their child they had lost as well, mourned with us and lifted us up.
My cousins and aunt from Charlotte did my first babyshower and came to visit and be with me to cheer me up.
My friends and family from Virginia, Ecuador, Puerto Rico, Argentina, Georgia, Arizona,Tennessee, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Florida and North Carolina who called, texted, visited, visited again, stayed with us, sent us goodies, prepared meals, chocolate with a yearly devotional about Hope, flowers, etc… All of you kept us company and lifted our spirits. We are so thankful, more than words can describe and they have been instrumental in this healing process.
I have read a few books and devotionals on grieving which I find very helpful, below is a picture of one of them in English.
Devotional: The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie
Book: Volando Con Las Alas Rotas by Fanny Gonzalez
Book: El Otro Lado de la Victoria by Carlos Peñaloza
Handmade Quilt: a unique gift for my baby Ethan’s nursery by my dear friend Ceci Vasquez, you can see her beautiful work here: @Cecivas
Woodland Mural for Nursery and Calligraphy sign with Romans 8:18 passage: My talented sister from Gaby Lugo Calligraphy: @gabylugocalligraphy or https://www.facebook.com/glcalligraphy. She has these signs for $25 which she sells online, if you are looking to gift this to someone who may be suffering with loss. In my life, I keep reading this verse and place all my hope for what’s yet to come!
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